Golf Blog by The Orlando Golf Blogger

Religious Golf Battle

The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a challenge from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.

“Your holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Shimon Peres wants to challenge you to a golf match to determine whether Catholics or Jews are superior.” The Pope was greatly disturbed, in all his years on the earth he had never picked up a golf club.

“Not to worry,” said the Cardinal, “we’ll call the U.S and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We’ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres… We can’t lose!” Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. “I came in second, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus.

“Second?!!” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!”

“No,” said Nicklaus, “second to Rabbi Woods.”

Golf Humor – Lying about your age

Thomas, a 70 year old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the country club with an absolutely gorgeous, breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year old brunette.

She hangs onto his arm and listens intently to his every word.

His usual playing partners and fellow members of the club are baffled and shocked.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Thomas, how did you get the amazing trophy girlfriend?”

To which he replies, “Girlfriend? Hell, she’s not my girlfriend, she’s my wife!”

Disbelieving Thomas, they ask, “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”

“I lied about my age”, he replies.

“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”

Thomas smiles and says, “Nope, I told her I was 90.”

Here’s some other golf humor posts for ya!

Started this list last year and figured it was time to add to it again. Chime in if you have any to add!

YOU MIGHT BE A GOLFER IF…

• your dominant hand is darker than your other hand.
• you’ve ever used the term “undulation” in a conversation
• your legs are Bay Watch tan and your feet are ivory white.
• you’ve ever discussed the finer points of bermuda grass over a beer
• you’ve eve rubbernecked while driving past a Golf Course.
• you’ve ever practiced your golf swing while talking to a co-worker in the hall way.
• you purchased cable for the sole purpose of having The Golf Channel
• you know what “Ace Insurance” is
• you purchased an HDTV so you could watch The Golf Channel in HD
• you’ve started a conversation with a complete stranger because they were wearing a golf hat.
• you’ve ever punched someone in the face because they said golf is not a real sport (or wanted to)
• you purchased a Nintendo Wii in the hopes that you could work on your golf swing
• you’ve ever spent $69 dollars on a polo
• it always looks like you’re wearing white socks and a T shirt
• hearing “FORE!” scares you more than when you hear “foreplay.”
• you aerate the yard while practicing your short game.
• your forehead is whiter than the rest of your face.
• you put off replacing family room carpet because you like swing golf clubs in family room.
• you buy hockey arena board and nail it to the ceiling to stop a golf club from punching through the ceiling while practicing your swing in the house.
• you can recite all of Bill Murray’s lines in Caddyshack …
• you know the difference between Jack Nicklaus and Jack Nicholson …
• your pants have holes in the pockets from golf tees …
• You drink John Daly wine because it is John Daly wine.
• everything you do is evaluated by saying ” I didn’t have my ‘A’ Game today”
• your neighbors call to ask you turn-up your surround sound so they hear the Masters Coverage better.
• in every mirror you pass you have too check your “set up.”
• you are the only one in the room who actually knows what someone means when they say “Never Up, Never in.”
• you jump in the car and hit the gas peddle thinking you are still driving a golf cart.
• you stopped the course superintendent to ask advice on how to change your yard to a putting green.
• you know if you inhale or exhale in your backswing.
• you carry your luck ball mark everywhere you go.
• you know who ‘Ranger Rick’ is and have his autograph.
• If you hear “Twilight” and think “cheap golf” rather than “romance” …
• If you’ve ever been fired from a job from watching live streaming video of a golf tournament.

Thanks everyone who’s contributed so far!

Here’s some more Golf Humor for your viewing pleasure.

Here’s a little Friday golf humor. Received these golf jokes in an email, there were 18, but I’ve added a few of my own.. 

25 Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

1. You don’t have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
2. If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
3. The Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf.
4. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don’t have to worry about them showing up on the internet, well perhaps youtube…
5. Your golf partner won’t keep asking questions about other partners you’ve golfed with in the past.
6. It’s perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.
7. You don’t have to worry about your kids catching you playing golf with your partner.
8. When you see a really good golfer, you don’t have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.
9. If your regular golf partner isn’t available, he/she won’t object if you golf with someone else.
10. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.
11. When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop or what you might catch from them..
12. You don’t have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.
13. A quick round is preferable to slow play.
14. It’s not illegal to play with an underage golfer.
15. You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.
16. There is no such thing as a  GTD (golf-ally transmitted disease)
17. If you want to watch golf on television, you don’t have to subscribe to a premium cable channel, actually you do, but you don’t have to hide it from your wife and kids.
18. You never feel guilty about playing golf with a stranger.
19. Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.
20. Typically, visiting a golf website won’t give you a computer virus.
21. Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
22. Having a golf foursome is not only accepted but encouraged.
23. You don’t have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.
24. Your golf partner will never say, “What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?”
25. You don’t have to wait until your kids are teenagers to have a conversation about golf.

Have a great weekend!

Here’s a little Thursday golf humor for you! It’s a welcomed change to any further discussion of the Tiger Woods Scandal.

Murphy’s Laws of Golf

Golfers who claim they never cheat, also lie.

A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.

Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.

There is no such thing as a friendly wager.

The stages of golf are Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.

The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches short of the hole.

Don’t play with anyone who would question a 7.

It’s as easy to lower your handicap as it is to reduce your hat size.

If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.

Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and ten miles backward.

One good shank deserves another.

It takes 17 holes to really get warmed up.

No golfer ever swung too slowly.

No golfer ever played too fast.

One birdie is a hot streak.

No matter how badly you are playing, it’s always possible to play worse.

Whatever you think you’re doing wrong is the one thing you’re doing right.

Any change works for three holes.

The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the number of people watching.

Never take lessons from your father.

Never teach golf to your wife.

Never play your son for money.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

The statute of limitation on forgotten strokes is two holes.

Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.

Confidence evaporates in the presence of fairway water.

It takes considerable pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard.

It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.

The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats.

Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.

The rake is always in the other trap.

The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes.

Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.

The rough will be mowed tomorrow.

The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday.

It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.

The nearest sprinkler head will be blank.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

Out of bounds is always on the right, for right-handed golfers.

The practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the other greens.

No one with funny head covers ever broke par (except for Tiger Woods).

The lowest numbered iron in your bag will always be impossible to hit.

Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short.

No matter how far its shaft extends, a ball retriever is always a foot too short to reach the ball.

If you seem to be hitting your shots straight on the driving range, it’s probably because you’re not aiming at anything.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

The only thing you can learn from golf books is that you can’t learn anything from golf books, but you have to read an awful lot of golf books to learn it.

Take the follow survey, if the majority of your answers are yes, than you sir/madam are a golf nut!

1. Your idea of a good time is staying home and watching the British Open
on a Saturday night.

2. You curse the game only to play it the next day.

3. You haven’t puked from seeing the same faces regularly for four and half
hours.

4. You see your drive ahead of everyone else and talk about it for a week.

5. You secretly wish evil on your flightmates.

6. A golf store has a magnetic effect on your walk.

7. You cringe when your better half asks you if you have anything to do on
Sunday.

8. Your golf attire becomes your everyday wear.

9. Your toilet seat gets covered with a stack of golf books and magazines.

10. You make small practice swings inside the church while hearing mass.

11. You get burned by the sun and you’re proud of it.

12. You can open a video store with the number of golf tapes you own.

13. Ten inches of rain has no effect on your decision to play.

14. When your caddy says he sees lightning, your reply is “what lightning?”

15. You go to the practice range and try to give golf tips to the person on
the next stall.

16. Your bumper sticker reads: MY OTHER CAR IS A GOLF CART.

17. People in your family get their supply of suntan lotion from you when
they go swimming.

18. A day at the beach means you hit too many sand traps.

19. Your spouse complains because you try to bring your clubs to bed, (to keep
them warm, dry, and safe, of course) demanding that you choose between them
and the clubs….And you hesitate before answering.

20. You took the time to read this.

#10 – Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in that lake..”
Caddie: “Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?”

#9 – Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddie: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

#8 – Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddie: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”

#7 – Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
Caddie: “Eventually.”

#6 – Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy int he world.”
Caddie: “I don’t think so sir, that would be too much of a coincidence.”

#5 – Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, it’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddie: “It’s not a watch, it’s a compass.”

#4 – Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddie: “It’s very good sir, but personally, I prefer playing golf.”

#3 – Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play golf on Sunday?”
Caddie: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”

#2 – Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddie: “This isn’t the golf course sir, we left that an hour ago..”

#1 – Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddie: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

Here’s a pretty funny golf video for you on a dismal Monday morning.

Here’s a link to more Golf Humor.

18 Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

• You don’t have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.

• If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique

• The Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf.

• If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don’t have to worry about them showing up on the Internet, then you become famous

• Your golf partner won’t keep asking questions about other partners you’ve golfed with

• It’s perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger

• When you see a really good golfer, you don’t have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.

• If your regular golf partner isn’t available, he/she won’t object if you golf with someone else.

• Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.

• When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

• You don’t have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.

• You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment

• There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.

• If you want to watch golf on television, you don’t have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.

• Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.

• Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.

• You don’t have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.

• Your golf partner will never say, “What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?”18

18 Not Enough? See the updated 25 Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

I hope you’re having a great Friday! Here’s a little golf humor to help you get through the day.

The Rules of Golf

• The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
• If you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
• Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
• When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
• Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
• No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
• Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
• When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one
  more club or two more balls.
• Golfer’s who claim they don’t cheat, also lie.
• If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead
  of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank
  lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

• The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
• The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
• If it ain’t broke, try changing your grip.
• It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.
• Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
• A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.
• It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you’re lying 10.
• Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
• Non chalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
• The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a
  straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
• There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the
  way you meant to play it.
• You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch
  90% of the time.
• Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
  If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
• To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600 mph.
• There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top
  and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
• Hazards attract. Fairways repel.
• You can put “draw” on the ball, you can put “fade” on the ball, but no golfer can put “straight” on the ball.
• A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
• If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is the one in
  the bunker.
• If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
• Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.

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