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GOLF HUMOR – ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT THE PUBLIC GOLF COURSE ( Amherst , Mass. )

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this
Your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What’s the
Weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late.
Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of
Golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that’s not it..,,,

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12
O’clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o’clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We’ll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o’clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:1 5.
Caller: What’s the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We’ll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the
Afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we’re all out of large balls. But we can give you twice
As many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o’clock and 10 o’clock. In the morning, if
Possible.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they’re 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, It’s 15 dollars after 2 o’clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don’t know, that’s why I called.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said
they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?

If you’re looking for more laughs, check out our complete list of golf jokes.

Golf Jokes – Terrible Weather

There was a golfer who played golf every Saturday and Sunday, regardless of the weather.

One Saturday, per his usual routine, he left the house early and headed for the golf course. It was so bitter cold that, for once, he decided he wouldn’t play golf that day and went back home.

When he arrived home, his wife was still in bed so he took off his clothes, snuggled up to his wife and said “terrible weather out there.”

She replied, “Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing.”

Have a great weekend!

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Golf Jokes – President Obama changes the rules of golf

President Obama has recently appointed a Golf Czar and major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective 01 June 2010.

This is only a preview as the complete rulebook is being rewritten as we speak.

Here are a few of the changes…

Golfers with handicaps:

- Below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.

- Between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.

- Above 18 will get a $25 check each time they play.

The dollar amount placed in bets will be as follows:

- For handicaps below 10, an additional $10.

- Between 11 and 18, no additional amount.

- Above 18, you will receive the total amount in the pot even if you do not play.

The term “gimme” will be changed to “entitlement” and will be used as follows:

- Handicaps below 10, no entitlements.

- Handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.

- Handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring.

In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again.

The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term ‘net score’ will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.

This is intended to ‘redistribute’ the success of winning by making sure that in every competition; the above 18 handicap players will post only ‘net score’ against every other player’s gross score.

These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. 
Golf must be about Fairness. 
It should have nothing to do with Ability.

Like what you read? Here’s some other golf jokes for your viewing pleasure.

Golf Jokes – 25 Irrefutable Laws of Golf

1. No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the at the end of the round, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a season and, eventually, a lifetime.
2. The best round of your life will be followed almost immediately by the worst round of your life. The probability of the this occurrence increases with the number of people you tell about the it.
3. New golf balls are drawn to water. although this cannot be proven by science, it is a well known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
4. Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
5. No matter what causes a golfer to shank a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the golf gods.
6. The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
7. The older you are, the more likely you are to “play your age.”
8. Every par-three in the world has a “Napoleon Complex” which equates to a burning desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater the complex.
9. Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
10. Palm trees eat golf balls.
11. Depending on your shot, the USGA “ground under repair ruling” can be applied anywhere on the course.
12. Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?
13. Golf carts always die at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
14. A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.
15. All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
16. It NEVER “opens up over there.”
17. Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water.
18. A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
19. “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”
20. The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
21. The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
22. Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
23. Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
24. All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.
25. A cart path bounce will NEVER play to your advantage.